A ‘fracture’ in life, physical and emotional exhaustion, instinctive guarding behavior, sense of having no personal identity, frozen and waiting for the sun to rise, clawing my way up and out of a hole that I have been forced into, insomnia, fear of going to sleep because at the end of every day things haunt you still, an echo that follows you still, hopelessness, constantly on the lookout with stressful hyper-vigilance- these are all things that I would use to describe C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder); things I would use to describe my experience every day. I am a survivor, but in my surviving I have struggled immensely.
Most of the time to formulate words of how I feel, to process emotions, and to control emotions almost seem impossible but I never give up for there is always some small break in the clouds of expression. I keep pushing because to give up on trying to be as normal as possible, as happy as possible, and as successful as possible brings in an ending and personal heartbreak. However, sometimes I have learned that I have to bury my old self and let a new person rise whether it be daily, weekly, monthly- whenever I need to become anew and with new perspective. I have been going to therapy for two years, there was a point in the past two years that I was going almost daily for more than 2 hours a day; with all of the hours of venting, talking, processing, and learning I have learned to cope as much as I can at this point in life.
Growing up I never learned the tools that I have now although I do I wish that I had because I know or feel I would be much better at coping, at living every day and controlling my emotions and recognizing feelings. However, I am learning but I can’t say I am “better”, I may never get better or never not have PTSD- I’m trying to though. I’m trying to get to a point in my life that things don’t effect me, at least in a major way. Trying to get to a point that I don’t feel some sort of crippling anxiety and depression daily. I’m trying to get to a point where I can sleep most nights without being afraid. I’m trying to get to a point where I can socialize with others without constant fear and to be able to feel safety in my surroundings. I’m trying to get to a point that I don’t feel like a burden to others. I’m trying to get to a point in my life where my focus isn’t always on survival but to enjoy life. I’m trying to get to a point in life where I don’t feel constantly strained, moody, tired, and overly-sensitive. I guess all I can say is I know it gets easier. Sometimes, even most of the time, it isn’t always adequate because you want things to be easier than they are but I can say it is a constant work in progress and things will get better if you keep working hard. At least that is how it has been for me.
But, feels right now as if my body is totally exhausted. A heavy dead empty shell. It isn’t me but a shadow of the former me I see. I feel as if I am drowning in fear, holding in my breath in so tightly; always on the verge ready to scream out and yet never being able to exhale. When I attempt to sleep the nightmares are often and dark. Like a tape that loops continuously so that even when or if I do awake screaming, the fear is so intense it paralyzes my vocal cords and I find I can’t make a sound. I feel now mostly only for myself and even to those I love I am so short tempered to. Is it love? I can no longer feel it as such. However, I know it is there, I know love is there. I feel as if a smell or even returning back to not just the area, but the city where my abuse occurred makes me physically vomit and I feel an overpowering need to run but there is nowhere to go. I cannot escape it. But for my sake, I must try as I might, try to overcome and conquer. The former me may be “dead” but I know I am stronger than before though I feel completely the opposite at times. I try to be at peace because there is a new perspective that I see. I know I am more worth than I feel. It feels as if I was kicked to the dust, a gum on the bottom of a shoe. But for my sake, I must know that I am worth more.
