Happiness is not Impossible

Anger. Love. Ecstatic. Emotional. Certainty. Mind boggling. Life changing. Roller coaster. Up and down. Up and up. Down and up. Those are the things that come to mind when I think of the past year. I have fallen in love to the most beautiful woman. This woman loves me for me- wholly. However, it hasn’t always been easy; trying to navigate a relationship along with complex- PTSD, crippling anxiety and depression has, at moments, had the best of me and brought out the worst in me. At times mental illness has felt like it has ripped everything from under me like a rip current only to find that when I “go with it” or “swim with the current”  I resurface and am able to overcome and recognize that everything is still there, everything still good is still there- waiting for me to calm. In my case it is always my loving family, sweet soon-to-be wife, and wonderful therapist patiently waiting for me and urging me to come to them so that they may help me to sort out the loose bolts and mechanisms of my brain and throbbing ache in my heart. They help me to realize that things can be less lonely than they seem and that I have an amazing support. For once in my life, I really am wholeheartedly excited for the future. I get to marry my best friend in a month and half, I am looking into going back to school and have even solidly picked a major, and I feel like I am stabling in more ways than just mentally. Yeah, I still have my down-in-the-dump days; but I am working hard at making life better and recognizing the good and not being afraid to express my heart ache with others, especially my fiancee and therapist. I am learning to appreciate and recognize the value in every sunrise and sunset, in every laughter, in the tears and sweat, smiles, and even frowns because if it weren’t for the good and the bad I don’t think I would be able to appreciate one or the other- things would just be “neutral.” So, no matter how bad things may seem, looking to the positive but “dealing with” the negative or finding ways to cope and manage while focusing on the positive really helps one get through turmoil of life. That is one of the best advices I can give and that the best revenge for anything in life is success. Broke? Go to school. Hell yeah, you will be even more broke for awhile but the endsight is great. Faithless? Find faith. Find something to believe in and hold onto. Having faith in SOMETHING, even science, can show us that we are worthy. The list goes on and on. Happiness is not impossible.

Equality, Love, and Respect

When I think of equality, I think of love. To give everyone the most precious thing they can have is to be able to love and be with whomever they wish. But equality isn’t just about being able to love whomever you please. It is also about rights, right to housing and jobs- any thing we as living being need. North Carolina passed the bill stating that any transgender persons are subjected to only allowed to use the bathrooms in which “gender” they were born to and passed more discriminative laws. That’s a shame. They passed these laws because of so called “Christians”. I think to myself would Christ be filled with so much hatred towards others? No. I highly doubt that. I’m not saying being gay or trans is a sin but we should never cast the first stone; these so called Christians don’t get that it seems and it disappoints me. I am genderqueer, I identify with more masculine and I am in love and engaged to the most beautiful woman and human being I know. To know that my equality and rights are and can be stripped is unsettling. 10 steps forwards and 5 steps back in a way. I can marry her, but I can’t identify myself to a lot of people in the “good ole” South without being afraid of a beating or a firm cussing to, being called a “faggot” and flipped off. Where is the Christ-like in all of this? Where is the love in all of this? Why can’t we just treat others how we want to be treated? Place ourselves in others shoes? I don’t understand why how I identify myself is such a problem to them. Don’t want gay marriage or as I call it, marriage. Don’t get one. Whomever I marry doesn’t effect your life. My love for my sweetheart does not effect you. My being held in her arms in the living room when we are together or coming home after a long day to Skype her because we are in a Long Distance Relationship does not effect you. My deep and abiding love for her is what is beautiful. Fully respecting each other and our desires and dreams for our lives and working to achieve them together. She gives me breath and happiness in each and every day. I am sure that everyone wants the kind of love I have and to have rights for jobs and to be able to live peacefully and to try to take it away is the least respectful thing a person can do. Guess some people don’t get that.

I Hate Me

No matter what I do, I seem to always do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, think the wrong thing. Me. Myself. I do this, all the time. I feel like I am barely keeping myself afloat. I feel like my relationship is failing and my connection to my family is dropping one-by-one. Because of me. I hate me. Now, today, yesterday, a year ago. I already hate me tomorrow because I know I will fuck something up, say the wrong thing, express the wrong thing. Feel the wrong thing. As always. This isn’t just a here and now problem, that has been a problem my whole life. I hate me. I wish I could change. I wish I could not be me. I wish I was better, had a better mind, heart, was a better person as a whole. I wish I didn’t feel the itch and ache to burn and bleed- my old form of breathing and release. I fucking hate me, and I fucking hate these feelings and I will say it over, and over and over again until someone, something, even myself finds a way to show me I shouldn’t and why I shouldn’t. But I know I am a fuck up, a mess. And I make a mess of everything because of who I am and all of the things I feel. I hate me.