Equality, Love, and Respect

When I think of equality, I think of love. To give everyone the most precious thing they can have is to be able to love and be with whomever they wish. But equality isn’t just about being able to love whomever you please. It is also about rights, right to housing and jobs- any thing we as living being need. North Carolina passed the bill stating that any transgender persons are subjected to only allowed to use the bathrooms in which “gender” they were born to and passed more discriminative laws. That’s a shame. They passed these laws because of so called “Christians”. I think to myself would Christ be filled with so much hatred towards others? No. I highly doubt that. I’m not saying being gay or trans is a sin but we should never cast the first stone; these so called Christians don’t get that it seems and it disappoints me. I am genderqueer, I identify with more masculine and I am in love and engaged to the most beautiful woman and human being I know. To know that my equality and rights are and can be stripped is unsettling. 10 steps forwards and 5 steps back in a way. I can marry her, but I can’t identify myself to a lot of people in the “good ole” South without being afraid of a beating or a firm cussing to, being called a “faggot” and flipped off. Where is the Christ-like in all of this? Where is the love in all of this? Why can’t we just treat others how we want to be treated? Place ourselves in others shoes? I don’t understand why how I identify myself is such a problem to them. Don’t want gay marriage or as I call it, marriage. Don’t get one. Whomever I marry doesn’t effect your life. My love for my sweetheart does not effect you. My being held in her arms in the living room when we are together or coming home after a long day to Skype her because we are in a Long Distance Relationship does not effect you. My deep and abiding love for her is what is beautiful. Fully respecting each other and our desires and dreams for our lives and working to achieve them together. She gives me breath and happiness in each and every day. I am sure that everyone wants the kind of love I have and to have rights for jobs and to be able to live peacefully and to try to take it away is the least respectful thing a person can do. Guess some people don’t get that.

I Hate Me

No matter what I do, I seem to always do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, think the wrong thing. Me. Myself. I do this, all the time. I feel like I am barely keeping myself afloat. I feel like my relationship is failing and my connection to my family is dropping one-by-one. Because of me. I hate me. Now, today, yesterday, a year ago. I already hate me tomorrow because I know I will fuck something up, say the wrong thing, express the wrong thing. Feel the wrong thing. As always. This isn’t just a here and now problem, that has been a problem my whole life. I hate me. I wish I could change. I wish I could not be me. I wish I was better, had a better mind, heart, was a better person as a whole. I wish I didn’t feel the itch and ache to burn and bleed- my old form of breathing and release. I fucking hate me, and I fucking hate these feelings and I will say it over, and over and over again until someone, something, even myself finds a way to show me I shouldn’t and why I shouldn’t. But I know I am a fuck up, a mess. And I make a mess of everything because of who I am and all of the things I feel. I hate me.