One thing that people don’t realize is just how hard it is for those that feel like they have to hide a part of who they are. It is sad that they feel the need. But they do it out of fear. Fear of losing the ones that they love. Losing family, losing friends. It becomes the most difficult thing for many to endeavor through. I know this because for many years, and still at a level up until today, I have gone through every part of that.
For a long time in my life, my largest fear has been people discovering that I AM QUEER. It was my worst nightmare. What would they do? What would they say? It had always seemed that everything you heard about the “gay community” or “homosexuality” or even just someone coming out was negative and tragic. From the harassment, the discrimination with the countless murders and suicides, I pondered for a long time as to why anyone would want to come out. But what should have been on my mind was why would anyone want to affect one’s life just because of a small characteristic about them? Why is it that we hear about all this negativity and where is the positivity? Where are the people that are building others up?
These were the fears that I faced in my life as I contemplated telling the ones that I loved the secret that I had buried so deep for so long. I feared losing my family. Losing my friends. Being alone. Some of you know that at the end of my junior year, I faced my biggest fear. For YEARS, I denied every aspect that I could possibly be gay. I became frustrated. And then finally I had found a friend I could talk to. Someone who was always there for me. Someone that accepted and supported me. Made me feel like I wasn't the horrible person I had always felt I was. She gave me hope that there are loving and understanding people.
It took me a long while to tell others that I considered my closest friends up until my freshman year of college; when I did start telling them it was a slow process. They were accepting. So I decided to open my range a bit and told more people, including family. Some people were accepting and loving but at the same time didn't support it at all and were confused, To them, it was still wrong; as I know many others feel about it today. However, others I have had nothing but full support and understanding from. But with that knowledge people have about me, it spreads and people found out, some of them started to treat me differently. I began to dread knowing that others knew about me and wished that I could 'crawl back into the closet.' But as I think about it more, I am glad that I didn’t, and with this, glad I am finally sharing this with you-- as to many of you, this is the first you would have heard about it.
While I have gone through immense hardships of losing friends and family since sharing this part of me, I am happier now. All my life I have worried about people finding this out about me. Stressing over their reactions and losing the ones I love. I do know that by posting this, I may lose another one of you, but it is a risk I am willing to take.
I hope that more and more others won't have to face the fears I did. I hope that anyone who is going through the hardships and trials that I have gone through will be able to get through it and to become happy as I have. Not to sound super cliche, but it does get better. At times, it may not appear that it does and at times you may not recognize the blessing that is disguised in the trial.
I want to thank everyone that has been there through this with me. Those that accepted me even if they didn't support or agree with me. I have watched so many people change. From not understanding and being completely homophobic (even me of myself) to developing a stronger love and understanding for me -- or at least even striving to understand. To you, Thank You. You have helped me immensely. You have made me stronger.
While I don't share these for your sympathy, I share these with the intent of helping others. I hope that one day, people won't fear the way I did. But to get there, we all need to help them. I hope that you know how hard this is for me to share. For many of you, this may come across as a shock. But it is something that I want to share with you. It has taken me years to post this about me, I went back and forth because of fear. Just remember that I am the same as I have always been, the only difference is you now know a part that has been hidden backstage behind the curtain. All I want is for everyone to live a happy, enjoyable life, and to remember that life is wonderful.
EDIT: Genderqueer to be exact.
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